failing...

So here is something at which I am failing- saying thank you. I feel that those two words are not adequate in really conveying my gratitude towards those who are loving and supporting me so well in the midst of this cancer stuff. How do I really let my friends and family know that what they are doing- praying, sending notes, calling, visiting, making food, etc- is not only super important to me but is healing me? How can two words accomplish the monumental task of communicating to others that I am going to get better; that I am getting better every day; that they are the reason I am getting better. I guess until we as English language speakers invent some other words to express thanks, I'm left with two measley, less than capable words.

Thank You.

Words...

Words are funny things. Groups of letters that carry so much meaning when put together in just the right way. The whole childhood rhyme about words not being able to hurt is a big fat lie, I think. Words can change lives. I think about my friends who are married. They stood up in a church and said words to each other which now constitute a binding contract, a promise they spoke to each other with lots of witnesses. And then a few years later, words turned their families of two into three and now in some cases four! Yes, these women were pregnant before the doctors told them so, but it was those words, "You're pregnant, you are going to have a baby!" that really brought this new life into reality. Words are powerful, life changing even.



On Friday, I experienced the power of words in my own life and have been thinking, dwelling, obsessing over these words since. I had a biopsy done on three different lumps that had been found in my breasts on Thursday. The radiologist was very positive and felt that the biopsy went quite well. I had a follow-up appointment on Moday with my surgeon to get the results and in my mind, forget the whole thing ever happened and go on with my very busy spring semester. However, words had different plans! The results came back from the lab early and the surgeon called my daddy who then called me to ask me to come by the house after school. So I did. And then my sweet daddy had to speak words that would forever change all of our lives. He had to tell me that I have breast cancer. Those two words, "breast cancer" are powerful alone but when combined with, "you have," well, I don't even have words that are powerful enough to explain the power, change, emotion that are carried in that particular grouping of letters.



I am still processing all of these words. I have told my closest friends, face-to-face, over the telephone, and via e-mail. I will never be able to escape the awfulness of seeing shock and heartbreak mingled on my best friends faces and knowing that I caused that. Or the sickening silence over the phone when the words that I just spoke make themselves real to the sweet listener on the other end. Or even worse (and selfishly better all at the same time), sending those words out into the vast internet and knowing that a person that I care about will at some point in the future unassumingly click on that message and be forced to read and feel the power of those words.



Being who I am, I have always found healing in words, especially those that are written down and preserved for multiple readings. I find it so freeing to write down all of the words that swim around in my head, especially at bedtime, even if they tend to be a to do list for the next day at school! So, I hope that you will indulge me and this blog as I use my insufficient words to find some freedom and healing in the coming weeks and months.

awkward

I had just about given up on the whole blogging thing, but I've decided to see if I can get back in the habit as I miss writing and this is as good a place as any to record a few thoughts that are rattling around in my head these days.

This week, my students gave persuasive speeches about our school uniform policy and cell phone usage in school. The students took this assignment very seriously and presented some compelling research and logic for both sides of these arguments. One student told us that studies show that teenagers send an average of 80 texts a day! I was stunned by this number and my amazement lad to a very interesting conversation with my kids. I asked them why they didn't just call a person if they were going to have a conversation. The overwhelming answer was that by texting, they could routinely avoid "awkward" moments. One boy asked, "Miss Mathis, how many awkward moments have you had in your life?" I answered that I've found myself in too many awkward moments to count and that really, isn't life just one big awkward moment? The kids laughed and then said that they significantly cut down on these moments by texting instead of calling. They can preview their words before they send them and they can type things to people they would be embarassed to say in person and if they do not get a favorable response to the words they send, they feel it is easier to play it off as a joke over text instead of on a phone call. Another boy explained that when you are texting someone, you don't have awkward silences like you do over the phone because you can simply quit texting. When I told him that you could just as easily hang up the phone, he said it just wasn't the same.

I have been mulling over this conversation for the latter part of this week because I wonder what this means in the grand scheme of things. How are my students learning to deal with interpersonal relationships if they conduct most of their communications through electronic text messages? Is this a modern take on writing letters? Aren't the awkward uncomfortable moments in life where we learn the most- about ourselves and others? Don't those moments create our character as much as the easy times? And surely when looking back it is those moments that provide laughter and a little cringing! The English teacher in me wonders if these kiddos are texting all the time why they complain so much about writing papers for me!?!

I understand the desire as a teenager to avoid all rejection/awkwardness/uncomfortableness/confrontation, but I value those times for what they teach me. I'm going to keep talking on my phone because sometimes I need to hear the voice on the other end- even when we have an awkward silence!

springing back...

don't worry it's not you, it was me...after a winter where I was sidelined by my broken elbow, it has been kind of hard to get back into the swing of things. However, events of the past few weeks have helped, and I feel like I'm emerging from my cocoon!

Two weeks ago, the Children's Museum held it's annual fundraiser, the Chocolate Soiree. As a member of the Circle of the Museum, I had a busy day setting up the ballroom with auction items and a fun night enjoying the party and the fruits of our labor. All of the chocolate desserts were excellent, but I definitely over did it with the cake balls from the Purple Kitchen. Think small balls of cake- still slightly doughy and very moist, dipped in chocolate- oh my word, so good!

For the past week, in my classes, we have been reading essays from the This I Believe collections. After we return from Spring Break, we (including me) will be writing our own personal belief essays. Anyway, today I found the greatest essay written by a seven year old boy. I thought I would share because it spawned great conversations today among 9th graders and their crazy English teacher!

Thirty Things I Believe

As heard on NPR's Weekend Edition Sunday, January 18, 2009. You can listen to him read this essay on the website!

I believe life is good.

I believe God is in everything.

I believe we’re all equal.

I believe we can help people.

I believe everyone is weird in their own way.

I believe hate is a cause for love.

I believe that when I meditate I feel peaceful.

I believe we should be generous.

I believe brothers and sisters should be kind to each other.

I believe kids should respect their parents.

I believe I should not whine.

I believe people should wake up early.

I believe people should go outside more.

I believe in nature.

I believe people should use less trees.

I believe we should help the Arctic and rainforest animals.

I believe people shouldn’t throw litter on the ground.

I believe people should not smoke.

I believe God is in good and bad.

I believe in magic.

I believe people should not give up.

I believe love is everywhere.

I believe that God helps us to have a good time.

I believe we live best in a community.

I believe we can protect people in danger.

I believe we should help the poor.

I believe it's okay to die but not to kill.

I believe war should not have started.

I believe war should stop.

I believe we can make peace.

Seven-year-old Tarak McLain was born in Thailand and lives with his family in Austin, Texas. He collects and hands out food to the homeless, raises money for orphans and impoverished schools, reads about the world's religions, and listens to public radio.

Pro Humanitate... in high school?

I will tell everyone who wants to listen (and even some who don't) about how much I love my job. I get to teach some of the coolest kids around in a school where the teachers care about teaching and the administrators work tirelessly to make sure that we have everything we need to do our jobs well. Tonight was a really good example of why I love my students and our school.

Stephen stole a line from Maryland!

We are in a single A sports division because our student body is just over 400 students. Many of the schools we play are not in Greenville, but are in other towns in the upstate. One of the schools in our region is the South Carolina School for the Deaf and Blind. These students come from all over the state to attend this boarding school in Spartanburg. Because we just had Spirit Week last week, we decided to share our spirit with this school. These SCSDB student athletes rarely get to play in front of their families and they are happy to see even one fan cheering for them on road games. So, instead of donning our blue Warrior paint for the basketball game tonight, our students painted up in green, sat on the visiting side of the gym, and cheered for the SCSDB Hornets- not because these athletes are deaf, but because it is high school basketball and everyone wants some fan support. Our cheerleaders cheered on both sides of the court- not because we wanted our own athletes to fail, but because we play our home games in a middle school gym and we know how it feels not to be at home even when you are "at home".

Chase, Ben, and Zack know how it feels to play for few fans- they are on the Warrior JV team!

I felt like a proud mother hen watching my sweet students waving signs and wiggling their fingers (the sign for clapping in American Sign Language) when the Hornets made a basket.

News 4 heard what we were doing and dropped by to talk to some of the kids!

In a world where so much is wrong and dismal, I am so glad to be associated with teenagers who are doing what is right and are spreading a hopeful spirit. So yes, without knowing it or thinking twice about it, these teenagers are teaching me about Pro Humanitate every day. I am so blessed to have them as my teachers!

me walk pretty

for those of you who are not aware- I am not what most would call "coordinated." I have, for many years, tried to mask this fact and may have succeeded partially. But this meager success came to a grinding halt on Thursday, Jan. 15. That morning, during my first period English class, I tripped over not one, but two bookbags, fell flat on my back, and wound up with a broken bone in my elbow! My students were great and did not disolve into laughter until I assured them that I was fine. I finished first period, tried to work out the pain in my wrist and arm during second period planning, went to the nurse for tylenol at the beginning of third period and thought she was being overly cautious when she told me she thought something was broken. By the end of third period, when my students told me that my swollen elbow was the grossest thing they had even seen, I figured I should call my dadddy and tell him what I had done. He called the radiologist to let them know I was coming so I found another teacher to cover my fifth and sixth periods and I left at lunch. I had to call my sweet friend Mary to come pick me up from school because it is hard to shift gears in a manual drive car when you can't move your right arm! The radiologist gave me a clean read but Friday morning I woke up with an elbow the size of a baseball and still could barely move my arm, so to the orthopedist I went. He told me that I did have a break in my radial neck and gave me a sling to keep me from using my right arm and to stabilize my elbow. So, now I am on week three of my six weeks wearing my sling and I will be so happy when I don't have to wear it anymore!

The next time you are in a classroom, beware of the bookbags- they can be a health risk!

a life well lived

two weeks ago, on Jan.14, my wonderful grandaddy died. he was 84 years old and had been married to my sweet grandmother for 65 years. i can't imagine living for 65 years, not to mention living with the same person, loving him for 65 years. they are both such a model for my cousins and me of sacrificial love and true devotion to Jesus. My grandaddy was gentle and soft spoken, he had a wonderful sense of humor and a mischievous glint in his eye when he was teasing someone. he was intelligent and wise and a leader of his family and in his church. i will miss him sneaking me a creme drop under the table at Thanksgiving dinner and his constant questions about what was going on in my classroom- always wanting to know if my kids were learning and urging me to be strict yet fair. i am a much better person for knowing and being loved by him.